Analyzing an Introduction

Look at the following introduction:

Many people living longer, because now people have a good alimentation than before, I think one of the reason is about that works, frecuently people spend less time in hard works and people make more exercises now and these exarcises are good for health people, other reason is about people are living more comfotable now, in the past people lived really bad for cause a many factores,


Clarity

The response has all of the basic components but is not as clear as it could be. Break it up bit by bit.

'Many people living longer, because now people have a good alimentation than before.'

What is the author trying to say?

1.) People live longer
2.) 'alimentation' shows a weakness in vocabulary and should be replaced with a separate idea
- Ailment seems to be what the author was wanting to use
- We will replace it with 'health'

Many people are living longer because of improvements in their health.


What about the rest of the response?

I think one of the reason is about that works, frecuently people spend less time in hard works and people make more exercises now and these exarcises are good for health people, other reason is about people are living more comfotable now, in the past people lived really bad for cause a many factores,

Break it up into complete sentences based on the ideas the author wants to use and you might rewrite it as follows.

I think one of the reasons for this is that people frequently spend less time working so hard and exercise more often. Exercise and less stress is good for people's health. Another reason is that people have more comfortable lives than in the past.


The author should keep in mind we do not want to go into too much detail about the reasons. Detail should be saved for the body paragraphs. The longest part of the introduction will probably end up being your hook, something that can be expanded upon in this response.


Any ideas for a hook?


Good luck with your studies,
ESL Study Guide

Essay Analysis

Topic: Read the question below and type your response in the box provided.
It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Essay: Student Submission

I am very happy when i know this new. i almost agree this plan. because i have many reasons. First i like shopping very much. i always waste of times to go shopping because they are so far form my house. i often go shopping every weekend. Second gas are rising now. if i go long way, i will waste of a lot of gas. Third i will pay for parking. in short building a large shopping center in my neighborhood almost correct. i will save a lot of things.


Analysis:

While a weak essay, this essay shows some of the basic components needed for a toefl essay. The biggest flaw with this essay is its lack of organization and short length. A toefl essay generally consists of five paragraphs and should be approximately 300 words long. The introduction should get the readers attention with a hook, state an opinion with a thesis statement, and then introduce the supporting reasons. Body paragraphs are used to expand on the supporting reasons. Topic sentences are used to introduce the supporting reason. Each paragraph should deal with one supporting reason and ONLY that idea. Writers may further develop body paragraphs with examples, though this is not mandatory. The conclusion allows writers to re-inforce their argument by restating the thesis statement and reasons. Writers may also emphasize final points, though it is important to not introduce any new information.

Introduction
- Hook
- Thesis
- Introduce reasons

Body Paragraph 1
- Topic sentence
- supporting details
- example

Body Paragraph 2
- Topic sentence
- supporting details
- example

Body Paragraph 3
- Topic sentence
- supporting details
- example

Conclusion
- Restate thesis
- Restate reasons

Good luck with your studies,

ESL Study Guide

TOEFL Essay Tips

Lets begin by breaking the essay down into its components. The question for this essay was "What do you think is more important towards society, the contribution of artists or scientists?"

Introduction:

With an independent essay it is important first to get the readers attention, next what are you going to talk about?, and what reasons do you have to support your argument?

The hook:

Getting a readers attention is always important. If you get off to a weak start in your essay, your score will likely suffer because of it. Remember, there are five common ways to begin an essay:

- shocking/surprising statement
- declarative approach
- celebrity statement
- anecdotal approach
- historical overview

Now look at the hook from the essay.

"We say art is the reflection of certain period. For example, when Korea experienced Japanese colonization, there were many literature, picture, and even music that presented the reality of many Koreans suffered from Japan's physical oppressions."

While this is generally an ok approach, the first tip for your TOEFL essay is the purpose (what is it?). Your hook should ALWAYS connect to your essay. Is this going to be an essay on art? A historical perspective to art? No, your TOEFL essay MUST answer the question. A tip to remember is making the hook more effective by connecting it to the purpose of the essay.

The rest of the introduction.

"The points we have to focus on from this fact are two. First is at changes people's consciousness, second is at gives dream."

While the student has gone on to introduce their reasoning in the introduction, the introduction is too disjointed to be truly effective. The next TOEFL tip to remember is the purpose of your reasoning. Is it connected to your essay? If you can not support your thesis with your reasoning your purpose has not been accomplished and you have thrown aside one of the things that will affect your score the most.

Moving on to the first body paragraph.

"First, at helps poeple change the conscious that can change the whole world."

Starting with a transition is a good way to begin. All of your paragraphs should be connected. If you can have a smooth even connection from start to finish, you should get a higher score. While possible to use a more advanced transition, remember to stick with what you know. A TOEFL essay is not a place to try something new.

Continuing the rest of the first body paragraph.

"There's no at that has no certain intention of creation."

Unfortunately, the paragraph begins with a total lack of clarity. Having seen many students make this mistake, I must say it again. A TOEFL essay is not a place to try something new. Stick with what you know, you are only hurting yourself otherwise.

"Therefore, the author adds his ideology, feelings, and opinions about social problems to support and present his intetions of creation. From this, the reader gets impressed, and finally can change his conscious, and finally this conscious developes the world. For example, the book 'ethics of slavery' changed the conscious of many slaves and some politics, and therefore slavery became illegal."

The rest of the body paragraph shows the same lack of clarity (one thing you MUST avoid in your TOEFL essays), as well as a significant amount of grammar mistakes. The lack of clarity highlights the importance of ONE idea per body paragraph. What is the main point of your paragraph? Use of examples within your body paragraph must again connect to your idea. If your ideas, paragraphs and examples are not connected, your score will suffer.

Continuing on to the second body paragraph, the essay still suffers from a complete lack of clarity.

"Second, at gives dream."

Starting with the transition again is good, but what reason are you using? Your reader MUST be able to clearly follow your ideas.

Continuing on

"Some artists present their own ideal worlds on their works. For example, in the book 'Utopia', Thomas More presented his ideal world that has no discrimination, and in the book 'the third stream', Elan Tofler presents his prediction of future, and indicates the direction we should follow to create ideal world. From this art, people makes the dream, and during the process to try to accomplish this dream, the world developes. Art developes the world by changing people's consicous and make them have dreams. This is why today's world exists and developed the world more importantly than science."

The first point to consider here, besides the lack of clarity, is what is your reason to discuss. Connect everything together, even if you must use simple sentence structure.

While you may have a hard time getting a 5/5 if your sentence structure is too basic on the TOEFL. If you lack too much clarity, you will have a hard time even getting a score above 2/5.

Finally, where is the conclusion? An independent essay should have a clearly defined conclusion. In your conclusion you should recap your thesis, restate your reasoning, and do this WITHOUT introducing ANY new information.

Overall, this essay would not leave your in a strong position after having spent 25 of your 30 minutes writing. I would grade it at 2/5. It neither acccomplishes it's purpose, has proper structure, or clearly conveys its argument and reasoning.

Good luck on your future studies,

ESL Study Guide