Analyzing an Introduction

Look at the following introduction:

Many people living longer, because now people have a good alimentation than before, I think one of the reason is about that works, frecuently people spend less time in hard works and people make more exercises now and these exarcises are good for health people, other reason is about people are living more comfotable now, in the past people lived really bad for cause a many factores,


Clarity

The response has all of the basic components but is not as clear as it could be. Break it up bit by bit.

'Many people living longer, because now people have a good alimentation than before.'

What is the author trying to say?

1.) People live longer
2.) 'alimentation' shows a weakness in vocabulary and should be replaced with a separate idea
- Ailment seems to be what the author was wanting to use
- We will replace it with 'health'

Many people are living longer because of improvements in their health.


What about the rest of the response?

I think one of the reason is about that works, frecuently people spend less time in hard works and people make more exercises now and these exarcises are good for health people, other reason is about people are living more comfotable now, in the past people lived really bad for cause a many factores,

Break it up into complete sentences based on the ideas the author wants to use and you might rewrite it as follows.

I think one of the reasons for this is that people frequently spend less time working so hard and exercise more often. Exercise and less stress is good for people's health. Another reason is that people have more comfortable lives than in the past.


The author should keep in mind we do not want to go into too much detail about the reasons. Detail should be saved for the body paragraphs. The longest part of the introduction will probably end up being your hook, something that can be expanded upon in this response.


Any ideas for a hook?


Good luck with your studies,
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